This account of my experience is purposely anonymised because I am not ready for those in my life to know the pain that mental health services and police have put me through. This began during a difficult period of my life in which I was the victim of physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse in a relationship that I truly believed was impossible to leave safely. I had been under mental health services for most of my life not by choice and had made a lot of progress. Without being too graphic, the abuse started almost instantaneously and I was kept in line with the threat of harm to himself and me. He controlled me and he ran my life for nearly six months during which I attempted suicide a number of times. The police had a lot of involvement in my life at this point, every time I survived, I became more determined that I was the plague on this earth and that ending my existence would solve all the problems we see throughout society. I had graphic nightmares in which I survived and had to watch those around me be tortured and murdered and struggled immensely with trauma symptoms.
My suicide attempts have been labelled as ‘a cry for help’ when in reality, every time I was saved, I thought I could feel someone else die as a result of my ‘failure’. At the time I wasn’t told about this but my local team and police force made a ‘crisis plan’ detailing how to ‘deal’ with me in a crisis and avoid ‘reinforcing’ what they believe to be attention seeking behaviours. This plan was in place for four months before I was made aware it existed and I was not shown a copy of this plan I had supposedly agreed to until two months after this. Six months in total.
The plan states that if I am found in public in a crisis situation, I am to be taken to hospital for a capacity assessment. If I am deemed to have capacity the officers involved must arrest me for any offence that they feel appropriate.
When I was told about this plan the explicit instructions I was given were “to not commit suicide in a public environment”. I was also told that I could “do what I wanted in my personal space” AKA I can take my own life as long as it does not inconvenience any other people.
This plan has destroyed my faith in mental health and police services and has meant I am now unable to talk freely about my mental health as I fear arrest if I am honest with how I feel. I also know that I can’t risk surviving future crises and I am sure that if I was to get into such a desperate situation again, I would not walk it off.
Mental health services are designed to treat a very specific range of presentations. As soon as you fall either side of their ‘worthy of treatment’ parameters you become a disposable commodity like I and so many others have. Knowing that those who should care have no desire to work with you is the total opposite of help. I was in a vulnerable situation and those meant to help me turned their backs leaving me in dangerous and damaging situations because of how they perceive my suffering.
I am not a criminal.
I am a survivor and I will not stay quiet any longer.
Recovery in the Bin 